I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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