If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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