Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
