Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
