I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
