I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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