my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
