hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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