Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
