You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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