last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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