Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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