Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
