God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
