i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
