i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
