My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
