I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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