so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
