apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
