Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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