Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
