I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
