new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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