he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
