The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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