Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
