Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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