Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
