Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
