When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
