dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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