You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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