the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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