Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
