im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
