When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
