Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
