I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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