You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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