i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
