I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
