I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
