I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
