At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
