but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
