im about as happy as oj after his trial
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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