I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
