Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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