sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
