Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
